iwillbemeforever

what is hitsuzen?

It’s inevitable. 

Meaning, it has to happen. And it happens for a reason. Whether you like it or not.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

All I ever wanted was to study overseas.

Why?

Because I just experience different cultures and to just be in a whole different place.

Studying was kinda optional. LOL. 

But there is a problem, I have no money.

So, I spent my A-levels, working hard, hoping that I could achieve a scholarship

And when I got my results, they were good but not great.

But I wanted great. 

So for a moment, it felt like my dreams were completely crushed.

But life keeps moving, the sun keeps rising and nothing stopped.

My parents enrolled me for a course locally.

I was sad. Maybe, even a little crushed but I said nothing.

Then, I thought. 

What did this mean?

Why wouldn’t the universe let me study overseas?

Did I do something wrong?

I thought further. If I did study overseas, what would it mean?

I would be alone, without family and I may or may not cope since the course I choose is rather difficult.

At the same time, I would have to work part time because I’m not rich. And that would be hard.

So, juggling all these might crush me.

But I remembered that I wanted this so much that I told the universe, that I would pay any price.

That I would work part time and study if I have to. That I was willing. 

I told myself I would get good results too so that it won’t be a waste going overseas.

But maybe, the universe knows that I might not be able to survive. Maybe, I would crack and it didn’t want me to crack.

Maybe, it wanted me to go overseas on better circumstances, happier circumstances.

So, maybe, this is what has to be done.

Maybe, the universe prefer crushing me now so that I don’t go insane later.

Even though I was willing to study hard and work part time all at the same time.

The universe thought it wasn’t necessary.

Because right now, my parents could afford my degree and I don’t have to worry about money whereas if I went overseas, I would have to worry.

Here, there is financial assistance.

And here, my family is here if I ever need them.

I don’t have to work.

All I need to do is focus on my studies so that I graduate in the best class.

So, maybe, this is what the universe felt is better for me.

Maybe, this is what that needs to happen.

I’m still a little upset over my crushed dreams but at least, now, I have accepted it.

I can move on. Finally.

I want to recommend people A-levels because it’s will help you grow. A-levels is hard. And it will push you so hard that to a level that you didn’t think exist.

And if you don’t break from that pressure, it will make you into something stronger. 

A-levels is a pressure cooker and you will get cooked if you aren’t tough enough. 

So, it teaches people strength. Inner strength. It teaches people how to hold on and to fight for what they want.

A-levels helped me grow as a person and I’m better, stronger now.

But at the same time, A-levels has taken some things away from me.

A-levels has made me more mature, so, you now learn that life is precious and time is truly limited. You also learn that sacrifices have to made to gain what you truly want.

But at the same time, A-levels give you time. Time to think about your life and everything.

And since you realize that time is limited, it makes you want to do things.

Like for me, I want to travel. I want to travel so much.

A-levels makes you wonder if you are ready for a life of more academics. If you really want your degree.

And right now, I don’t know.

I can’t imagine another 3 years of life with books. It sounds so tiring. Because, doing A-levels, you realize how painful these moments will be and how much you have to sacrifice if you want to do well.

You know what you are getting yourself into for your degree.

But at the same time, that’s a bad thing because it feels tiring. Very tiring.

Because right now, I want to live my life.

But studying means your future while travelling can be put on hold.

I guess, I just don’t know what I want.

A-levels make you think and that’s both a good and bad thing.

My degree involves me doing maths. Without a fucking calculator.

This scares the shit out of me.

Why? Because this can jeopardize my degree.

What if I fail.

What if I really, really suck at maths.

After all, I have always suck at maths. This is like a living nightmare.

This really poses a huge problem.

I will not let maths stain my degree.

So, that’s why I am afraid. So afraid.

I haven’t even got over the fact that my dreams are crushed and now, I have to deal with maths ruining everything.

And today, I asked why must we do maths without a calculator.

I wonder if that was a dick move. Was it a wrong move? Will the lecturers hate me? Or would they be impressed that I dared to voice my opinion?

Will they hate me or love me for it?

It’s tough to say. If they love me, then, it’s good. But if they hate me, they can make my life hell and that’s not what I want.

Oh god. Why must life be so fucking complicated?

I’m currently doing a TSA past year and shit, it’s hard as fuck.

It’s an overgrown IQ test on Steroids.

So yea.

Who am I kidding? I’m not getting into Oxford. Period.

I was never that perfect highly intelligent person. I’m just me. A crazy teenager who loves doing what I do.

I think that this 2 week break has been really great for me. No, I did not study but I don’t regret that. I spent my time doing other things instead and that has made me pretty happy.

I went out to meet up with high school buddies, went on train travelling, rewatched avatar : the last airbender and will be going to a convention tomorrow.

The 2 week break has allowed me to rest and now, I’m rejuvenated. In a way, I’m at peace and I’m happy.

Trust me, before the 2 week break, I was a fucking trainwreck. I was angry, impatient and most of all, disappointed in myself.

So yea, the 2 week break was a life saver but now, it has ended and it’s time for me to go back to life. 

I’ll be busy again with all my stupid studies and other stuff. But then, you know what, I’m ready for it now. So life, come at me. 

It’s exam week and I fell sick. So I had to do my exam in a sick condition. Thing is, this exam really do matter. It’s the MAJOR one.

So I wonder if it’s my body finding an excuse so that I can blame on being sick if I get terrible results…or if it’s just God messing with me. 

I don’t really know. So, I wonder.