iwillbemeforever

My country is on the edge of revolution.

It’s scary. The political tension in the air. Races torn apart. Opposition and government standing off.

I read in so many stories how exciting these kind of moments are, how change is really wanted and how the people fight for a better future.

But now that it’s really here in my own real life, I don’t like it one bit.

I just want fucking peace.

I am not a coward.

But I just want to be able to have peace, to not be afraid everytime I walk out in the streets.

So no, I don’t want a fucking revolution.

I want peace.

Can’t we just have that?

I am not a revolutionarist. Not when I have friends and family around.

Nope. That’s not my goal in life.

I don’t want to change my country into a better one.

I just want to live my life and earn loads of money so that I can help people with that money.

am I selfish? Maybe, but that’s my decision.

It makes me sad that the author of the Great Gatsby, Scott Fitzgerald died, thinking that his books was a failure.

Even though, later on, it became a literary classic.

I mean, it’s just sad that he died, thinking he sucked.

When, he didn’t.

I don’t why but this just makes me damn sad, alright.

brb.

It hurts to be reminded that you are not where you want to be.

It hurts to be reminded that everything sucks.

But other than that, it hurts to see the regret in my father’s eyes.

I can see it in his eyes that he is sad and filled with guilt.

He tells me that he missed his opportunity in life and it makes me sad. Because, does he hates the life he has?

does he hate himself?

I don’t want to hate himself. I want him to be proud. I want him to know that it’s not over. That there’s hope and that everything will be alright.

And I see the hope in his eyes for me.

How he is glad that I chose to study.

How he is glad that I chose not to throw away my future.

How he is glad that I chose a different better path than him.

For a moment, it’s like I could see him going to his past, regretting it. And how he is glad that I am not repeating his mistake.

I can also see how he is sorry that he can’t give me any better.

I can see that he is frustrated.

And I just want him to know that, it’s alright. We can still dream and fight. Even though it’s hard and tiring. We’ll be alright.

We’ll be alright.

Finally, I decided.

I want to be healthy, beautiful, elegant and intelligent.

I want to be that girl.

I want to be able to wear dresses and feel pretty.

I want to be able to feel elegant and intelligent.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile.

I just want to be happy to be me.

“Breathe Doctor Yang. Don’t be crass. You are skulking. Women of your generation are graceless. It’s an affront to nature. Mediocre surgeons will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for friends here, you won’t find them. None of these people have the capacity to understand you. They never will. If you’re lucky, one day when you’re old and shriveled like me, you’ll find a young doctor with little regard for anything but their craft. And you’ll train them like I trained you. Until then, read a good book. You have greatness in you Yang. Don’t disappoint.” - Dr Craig Thomas (Grey’s Anatomy)

Personally, I agree with every word Craig Thomas said and for some reason, these words have a deep effect on me.

I have always had to be tough to prove that I am strong and not weak. 

But, Dr Craig Thomas is right. We should have more grace. After all, grace doesn’t mean weak. 

Females can always be beautiful, intelligent and elegant all at the same time.

So yes, I will learn to be more graceful.

And it’s true. Don’t listen to what others say. Because if they are pushing  you down and doubting you. Then, they are probably jealous or feeling completely inferior.

Do not find friends where none can be found. Find friends where friends can be found.

Friends are people who have your back so, find people who have your back.

And it’s true. All of us have greatness in us. All of us.

And we shouldn’t disappoint.

I know Craig Thomas was probably giving advice to Christina Yang. But I felt like this show was talking to me too, giving me the same advice.

You blocked me off twitter. Great. That’s you drawing your line in the sand.

Well, you are not the only one who can draw stuff in the sand. 

I wrote Coeur Noir in response to your line in the sand. It’s my reply.

Is it a line? I don’t know.

Revenge? If you can call it that.

But it’s my story. It’s my words.

I don’t have much but my words and it’s all I need. 

So this is my reply. This is my words.

And funny thing is, you said that years ago, I wrote a story, mocking you. It makes me want to laugh because I have never written a story that mocks anyone. Ever.

I don’t. I write fantasy stories. That’s all.

But since you want a story, I will give you one. 

So here it is, a story about you. Mocking you? Well, that’s up to you to decide.

Anyhow, this is my reply to you.

 I will never know if you read it. I will never know if you understood it. And I will never get to see your reaction ever.

You recently deactivated your facebook. That could mean anything. It could mean you are focusing on your studies or it could mean, your reply to my story.

Ah, I will never know.

But anyhow, that is my reply. That’s my story.

legit answer to life :

Friends being assholes.

School.

Annoying and stupid people.

Teacher giving out more homework.

Crappy episode.

There goes your OTP.

Finished a good book.

Crappy endings.

Yup. The list can go on and on.

Did you just fucking block me from your twitter?!

Did you just fucking do that?

How dare you?

If there’s anyone who should block who. It should be me blocking you.

You are the one who hurt me. 

I was always there for you and you never there. So I decided to be honest and let you know.

And so did it hurt when you found out that you aren’t a great person as you thought you were and you weren’t that great a friend.

But that is the truth.

I was here for you for so long. I listened to your crap. I cared for you. I stood up for your rights. I helped you fight.

And this is how you treat me.

You never showed up for me. You said that I should have told you, because if you didn’t know how could you be there. Well, you could be there without me saying. You could try calling me more. You could just let me know that no matter what happens, you had my back.

But you didn’t. Hell, you never had my back. You are the one shooting me from the back.

You mock me.

So one day, I decided to liberate myself and let you know how I feel, this is what I get.

What? Did the words I say graze you because they were the painful truth?

I know I said that I’m done with you.

But it’s not that easy for me.

Because a small part of me don’t like giving up on people, don’t like tossing people aside even though they are crap. Because I believe that no one is crap. I believe that I can help you.

Plus, there’s a huge history between us. You are the person who knew me the longest.

But a huge part of me knows that this is a waste of time and I’m done because I’m just so fucking tired. You take up a lot of my energy. You take up a lot of my time.

And I want to be happy. But if I have you, I will never be happy. 

I was glad when I said my piece because it gave me relief. And I’m just glad that finally, you knew how I felt.

I was trying to slowly move on but I must admit that it’s hard. Some days, I still get mad because I am angry that I let you in my life, made you important and let you cut me down from within.

I am mad that you could do that and I am mad that I let you do that to me.

Some days, I get so mad that I wanna scream.

But I try to move on.

Because as terrible as you are, I found other friends who cared about me and that always make me tear up when they show me that they care.

And it hurts that you don’t.

I used to observe your twitter to see how you are doing. 

Are you well? Well, you looked well.

And I asked myself, how do you make it so easy to just move on? 

Obviously, I confronted you and you were hurt. But you just move on without me. Which is good.

But how do you just make it easy to move on?

Because I find it difficult. But I try. 

And then, it made me ask, what was I to you? Was I so dispensable? Was I completely unimportant?

Oh wait, I forgot. You are the most important person in your life and you never gave a damn about anyone else but yourself.

But now, you block me from your twitter. It makes me super mad because you don’t have the right to block me. Because I was not a nuisance in your life. If anything, I was always there for you.

And I didn’t even mock you in my twitter.

But I know what this means. This obviously mean that we are done. As friends. As best friends. As childhood friends. 

I get it. And I’m fine with that.

I knew I would lose you when I confronted but I never knew that it would be so…fast and extreme. I expected us to just drift apart.

But you are just throwing me out.

Ok. Fine by me. That’s just who you are anyway.

But if you say that you are blocking me because I’m distracting you from your studies. Because we fought and I remind you of bad memories or what not.

I know that’s bullshit. Because your last tweet, before you blocked me. You were at the beach, wearing a fucking bikini.

You have an exam in a month time. And you are on a beach. Well, good luck in your exams. Because as far as I am concerned, you are definitely going to fucking suck at it.

People with exams, study. Not go on a fucking holiday at the fucking beach. Who studies in a beach?! I never study at a beach. How do you study at the beach with the sea facing you?!

So it serves you right if you fail your fucking exam.

So it serves you right that your parents don’t want to pay for your further education.

So it serves you right that there is no scholarships available for people like you.

So it serves you right that you are lonely with no friends.

So it serves you right if life give you shit.

So it serves you right when everything goes to pieces.

And trust me, next time you break, I won’t be there. So you’ll have to survive on your own.

Everything you have right now, you deserve it. It’s because you made your bed and now, you have to fucking lie on it.

What you did to me. What you did to Leanne. 

The universe will pay it back to you in ten folds. 

Karma will come and you will pay.

So right now, it won’t be me that will smack you in the face.

But one day, you will get your just desserts.

And I will be all the way over here, laughing.